Has it really been a year already???

Ian and Bryce nearly one year after Ian's diagnosis.

Ian happy and healthy one year later.

Ian on the day he was released from the hospital after brain surgery. So brave and so strong.

Hours after brain surgery. So difficult to see him like this!

Me holding Ian the day before surgery. He was diagnosed June 2nd 2008. External shunt placed to drain excess brain fluid.

So this week marks the one year anniversary of Ian's diagnosis with cancer and the beginning of a very intense journey. Even today, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around what we have accomplished in just a year or what we have endured in one year. Sometimes it just seems like a HUGE nightmare and that I am going to wake up and find out that that was all it was. I have so many thoughts and emotions about this entire experience, some so sacred that I have only really shared them with my husband and maybe my sister, and others I have shared with close friends. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to talk about this journey without getting emotional or be able to clearly express everything that I am thinking. I continue to believe that I need to share our story because it's healing for me and who knows, maybe it will help and inspire another to endure their difficult challenges.

Though I have cried many times throughout this last year, I can say that I have not felt a desire or temptation to be bitter about the situation. I haven't even felt angry. I HAVE felt exhausted, sad, pain so deep I thought my heart would break because of it, frustration at the lack of control, anguish and some fear. At the same time I HAVE felt hope, love, courage, gratitude, compassion, faith, the Spirit, joy, peace, and patience.

What I would really like to share today are some of the ways my testimony has grown and some of the things I have learned through this challenge.

My testimony of AGENCY has been strengthened! I know that I have a CHOICE to be grateful or bitter, positive or negative, hopeful or discouraged, patient or impatient and so on and so forth, and the opportunity to repent when I have been less than positive. From the minute that Mike and I heard the news we decided right then and there that we could do this and that we wouldn't let it destroy what we had created. So far things are on track and I would say that we are closer because of this challenge. So many families are ripped apart with this type of challenge. The stress is unbelievably high, the fear can overwhelm and the pain can make it hard to function. I choose to have hope, I choose to have faith, I choose to trust Heavenly Father and most importantly I choose to accept His will for me and my family. I know that He loves me and my family and that He will make all things right.

Another thing that I have learned, is that there is always someone, somewhere whose life is that much more challenging, sad, scary, difficult. I don't know why some suffer more than others or why some don't seem to have any real significant challenges. I do know that so long as we aren't bringing upon ourselves these challenges because of willful disobedience to Heavenly Father's commandments, He will bless us in our time of need, He will make our burdens light if we come unto Him. I believe that which doesn't kill us will only make us stronger. I feel more love, compassion and empathy for those who are suffering. I know that I can do hard things. I have an even stronger desire to serve and help others. I know with an even stronger knowledge that Heavenly Father loves His children and that our lives have purpose and meaning. He knows us, knows our needs, knows our pains, and desires to bless our lives if will come unto Him. He will compensate all hardship in His own time of course. I'm so grateful that He has entrusted me with three sweet little boys and that He trusted me with this challenge. I know He didn't cause Ian to have cancer, but I believe He knew Ian's body would "rebel" and He trusted me with this special spirit! I always remember that it isn't the size of the challenge or even the type or length of a challenge that matters, but rather our ATTITUDE. How are we going to respond?

My testimony of Priesthood Blessings has grown. I have seen with my own eyes and felt with my own heart the miracles that come from priesthood blessings. Ian is truly a walking miracle.

I've learned it's alright to let others serve me. This has been one of the hardest things for me because it has required me to humble myself and acknowledge that I CAN'T do it all by myself. I have prided myself on my supposed ability to do it all....

I'm more grateful for the little things and I try harder not to sweat the small stuff. I admit I still get my knickers in a twist over germs and yuckies! I have tried to calm down my neuroticism and OCD, I'm not sure that will ever go away. Good thing I have Mike, I think he believes that germs don't exist. He's much more laid back than me. I'm the lysol, clorox wipe, hand sanitizing crazy lady. Now if only I could get my boys to stop putting their thumb and finger in their mouths. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've learned to laugh amidst the challenge. My boys I have learned are flexible, they roll with the punches and know just how to make me laugh. More than likely I will be the only one to walk away from all this emotionally scarred. Ian, Bryce and Spencer won't remember a thing. I blame Ian for all the gray hair. I feel I have aged 10 years in the space of one, if that's even possible. I still can't decide whether to start dying my hair or not. LOL!

Mostly I just want to share my testimony. I know that God lives. That Jesus Christ lives. He is our Saviour. I know that They love us and know us and will lighten our burdens. I'm grateful for challenges, I feel closer to Heavenly Father through them. I'm so grateful to family, friends and all of the many doctors and nurses or other professionals who have been along for the ride with us. Truly we have not been alone. How grateful I am for the Plan of Salvation. Life has meaning and purpose and all will be made right. I'm grateful for my eternal family and for sacred Temple ordinances. I love my family and friends. I love my Father in Heaven and my Saviour. All will be well if I continue to strive to stay on the path and repent when I fall short. I have so many weaknesses and yet I know I make it with my Saviour help.